{balki Blog}
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Man’s neighbor and many others in the community are getting ready for the "community garage sale" over the weekend.  Neighbor’s home is closer to the street within the cul-de-sac and so is more visible to the passers-by.

Neighbor: Are you doing the garage sale this year?
Man: No, but do you mind if I keep some of my stuff in your sale?
Neighbor: Sure, no problem.  What do you have?
Man: Oh, nothing much… just one thing.  Let me go get it…

….

….

…

Man: So, just this sign

Neighbor: Sc**w you %$@#!#$

Man and his geek colleagues have nothing better to do.  So, the conversation steered towards the upcoming new version of iPhone and eventually turned to a discussion on the "dream features" in an iPhone.

Geek Colleague #1: I have been waiting for the GPS for a while; I am so happy Steve decided to include that in the new version.  I have to auction off my current iPhone to get the new one.

Geek Colleague #2: I can’t wait to get my hands on the new version to get on the Internet.  The 3G connection is going to rock!

Geek Colleague #3: Voice recognition and breath analyzer (to measure Blood-Alcohol Level) would be great built-in features for the iPhone.

Man: For me, ClearBlue and lie-detector would be the greatest built-in features in the iPhone Nano;  I am willing to spend major $$, if Steve decides to add those.

Geek Colleagues #1, #2, #3: What the heck!?!@?  Why would you want someone to pee on a beautiful iPhone?

Man: Yes, here’s a scenario…. your partner pees on it to test whether she is pregnant.  And you can immediately use the lie-detector feature to test whether its your baby or not.  Can you find a better device to use than an iPhone, which is always on your hip?

Man goes to Starbucks during the busy hour (which is pretty much anytime of day or night).  He orders his favorite drink (Caramel Machiato) and food (Eggs Florentine).

Barista: Do you want your receipt?
Man: No, that’s fine.
Barista: Oh, but you have been randomly selected to participate in our customer satisfaction survey.  If you complete the survey within 7 days, you will be entered into a drawing for 1000$ cash prize!
Man: No, thank you.  I will pass on the survey.  But I will take the 1000$ in cash.
Barista: Get the hell out of my store!#$@!

Man and his wife go to the hospital for their umpteenth appointment during the pregnancy process.  The receptionist directs them to go meet the "Patient Billing" Clerk (PBC) first.

PBC: So, you get ABC benefits as part of your insurance, your out-of-pocket max is $XYZ … blah blah blah…
Man: Sure, that information is good to know.  Thanks for the heads-up.
PBC: Yes, we also bill you for the entire share of your out-of-pocket expense, around 500$, before your 8th month appointment.  A lot of would-be parents freak out, obviously because the final service (i.e. the baby birth) has not happened yet.  So, we like to tell you that even though you get billed in the 8th month, that money is *NOT DUE* until after the delivery.
Man: I don’t care.  We are very rich!  Do you want me to show you some cash right now?
Wife: Do not listen to what he says or answer any of his questions.  That is why I did not involve him in any part of my pregnancy process.

Man, his pregnant wife go out to dinner with two of their best friends and their wives.  Incidentally, the friends’ wives are also pregnant (more so than our man’s wife).  Although, the man’s wife is pregnant, they are not ready to disclose that to the world since she is in the early stages (<10 weeks pregnant).
[NOTE: Remember that our man is the epitome of inappropriateness before judging him based on the below conversation]

Man: Hey guys, did anybody request to touch the belly yet?
Friend #1: No, and we will be busy for the next 5 months (the remaining duration of his wife’s pregnancy).  Unfortunately, we might not be able to meet you again before she delivers the baby.
Friend #2: No, and we just decided to move out of town.  Good luck!

Man and some of his colleagues are attending an overview training explaining the new product-line offered by their company.  All the products are focused on making it easier for a person to self-service / automate his banking transactions.

Trainer #1: Our latest product lets a business banking customer to scan his check images directly to the bank without using any special software!

Trainer #2: Yes, our objective is to make it as easy for the bank customers to complete all their transactions without ever having to set foot in a banking center.

Man: Sure.  If we can create a software product so the customer can print his own money on a laser printer at home, then our dream will be 100% accomplished!

Colleague: You mean, I am not allowed to do that right now?!?

Man and friends are playing Loaded Questions.  The inevitable question that begs for an inappropriate answer/comment comes up (in fact, every question and work begs for a politically incorrect answer for our man!): "What is the one thing you wanted as a child but never got?"

Friend #1: Butter!  My parents never let me eat butter because they didn’t want me to put on any more weight.

Man’s wife: Girls’ bike; I always got hand-me-down bikes from my brother.

Friend #2: Makeup; putting on makeup was a big taboo in my family.

Man: Food!  Dinner on Fridays to be more specific.  Being the last of seven children, I was allowed to eat dinner only Sunday nights (the last day of the week).  I always had a craving to eat dinner on Friday night instead while watching a movie.

Friends: Boo!  We don’t have the time to hear another south Indian movie story about a poor, handsome, funny boy becoming a super-hero when he grows up.

Our man is working really hard to win a competition at work where the total steps are counted at the end of 8-week period and the teams (of 4) with highest step count win prizes (and more importantly bragging rights).
Man is finding all sorts of desperate ways to increase his current step count from 20K/day to 25-30K/day.

Man: I accumulated 1500 steps chasing (and being chased by) the cat around the house!
Friend: My girlfriend and I broke up. So I was thinking…I could use a pedometer to see how many steps I take chasing women!!
Man: Well, I can get you a pedometer but you can only count the steps you take by chasing "away" what you already own, like your current girlfriend, child or a deadly pet spider.

Man and his wife plan to meet a bunch of other friends at the restaurant.  One friend and his wife come to the table and the wife immediately goes to the restroom while the friend is still settling down at the table…

Man: Why don’t you squeeze in closer so your wife can sit next to you?

Friend: Why would I want to do that?  We work in the same office, we commute in the same car, we live in the same house, and we are even having a baby together!  I don’t want any more of her than I already have…

Friend #2: You might want to rephrase that statement before your wife gets back to the table…

Man: Yes, let me help you with that.  For your own safety, the statement you are going to use will be "I LOVE HER TO DEATH"!

Our man and a bunch of friends go to an exotic Mediterranean restaurant.  Everyone enjoys a sumptuous dinner and its time for dessert.

Aaron, the waiter: Would you like to look at our desserts menu?
Everyone: Yes, please!
He comes back with the dessert tray and explains the names of the various items…
Man: Are these desserts real?
Aaron, the waiter (cautiously): Yes, but you don’t want to eat them since they are almost 3 days stale!
Man: Can I at least LICK some of them?
Aaron, the waiter: !?!%$#?! Let me talk to my manager….