{balki Blog}
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Man and some of his colleagues are attending an overview training explaining the new product-line offered by their company.  All the products are focused on making it easier for a person to self-service / automate his banking transactions.

Trainer #1: Our latest product lets a business banking customer to scan his check images directly to the bank without using any special software!

Trainer #2: Yes, our objective is to make it as easy for the bank customers to complete all their transactions without ever having to set foot in a banking center.

Man: Sure.  If we can create a software product so the customer can print his own money on a laser printer at home, then our dream will be 100% accomplished!

Colleague: You mean, I am not allowed to do that right now?!?

Man and friends are playing Loaded Questions.  The inevitable question that begs for an inappropriate answer/comment comes up (in fact, every question and work begs for a politically incorrect answer for our man!): "What is the one thing you wanted as a child but never got?"

Friend #1: Butter!  My parents never let me eat butter because they didn’t want me to put on any more weight.

Man’s wife: Girls’ bike; I always got hand-me-down bikes from my brother.

Friend #2: Makeup; putting on makeup was a big taboo in my family.

Man: Food!  Dinner on Fridays to be more specific.  Being the last of seven children, I was allowed to eat dinner only Sunday nights (the last day of the week).  I always had a craving to eat dinner on Friday night instead while watching a movie.

Friends: Boo!  We don’t have the time to hear another south Indian movie story about a poor, handsome, funny boy becoming a super-hero when he grows up.

Our man is working really hard to win a competition at work where the total steps are counted at the end of 8-week period and the teams (of 4) with highest step count win prizes (and more importantly bragging rights).
Man is finding all sorts of desperate ways to increase his current step count from 20K/day to 25-30K/day.

Man: I accumulated 1500 steps chasing (and being chased by) the cat around the house!
Friend: My girlfriend and I broke up. So I was thinking…I could use a pedometer to see how many steps I take chasing women!!
Man: Well, I can get you a pedometer but you can only count the steps you take by chasing "away" what you already own, like your current girlfriend, child or a deadly pet spider.

Man and his wife plan to meet a bunch of other friends at the restaurant.  One friend and his wife come to the table and the wife immediately goes to the restroom while the friend is still settling down at the table…

Man: Why don’t you squeeze in closer so your wife can sit next to you?

Friend: Why would I want to do that?  We work in the same office, we commute in the same car, we live in the same house, and we are even having a baby together!  I don’t want any more of her than I already have…

Friend #2: You might want to rephrase that statement before your wife gets back to the table…

Man: Yes, let me help you with that.  For your own safety, the statement you are going to use will be "I LOVE HER TO DEATH"!

Our man and a bunch of friends go to an exotic Mediterranean restaurant.  Everyone enjoys a sumptuous dinner and its time for dessert.

Aaron, the waiter: Would you like to look at our desserts menu?
Everyone: Yes, please!
He comes back with the dessert tray and explains the names of the various items…
Man: Are these desserts real?
Aaron, the waiter (cautiously): Yes, but you don’t want to eat them since they are almost 3 days stale!
Man: Can I at least LICK some of them?
Aaron, the waiter: !?!%$#?! Let me talk to my manager….

Man is talking to the boss about mid-year performance review..

Boss: So, what have you accomplished in the last 6 months?
Man: Lots of different things; I changed a lot of stuff in the department for the better.
Boss: What kinds of stuff?
Man: So, “stuff” is not specific enough for you?

Man is in the office kitchen preparing his breakfast on a Monday morning.  One of his (female) colleagues walks in….

Man: How was your weekend?
Colleague: It was good except that I did not do anything other than lie on the couch and watch TV all day…
Man: That is not so bad…
Colleague: On Sunday I went to church with my family.  You know, despite what you may have heard about me I am a good little girl!
…
….
……
Colleague: You can ask my parole officer if you want
Man: ?!??!?@?!!?

Man and colleague meet up in the break room.  Colleague starts complaining about his travails in the dating world…

Colleague: Yesterday I went out on a lunch-date with this really cute girl.  But…
Man: Is she already married?
Colleague: No.  But she is already in another relationship.
Man: Oh!  Does she have any kids?
Colleague #2: Wow, someone had some really rough dates!

As some of you know, I always am ready for an opportunity to do my share of community service; when I saw an event on MiPL seeking volunteers to help sort books at School House Supplies (SHS), I signed up in earnest!

I was pleasantly surprised at the big turnout for the event - there were almost 30 volunteers from various organizations!  I was also very impressed by the work SHS does for the Portland public schools.  The organization donated over 170K books to schools so far!

This morning we were helping sort the 5000+ books donated by Powell’s Books.  We had great fun working together and passing silly comments on the book titles and pictures.  Many books were old but I think we got a decent yield of around 40% (you see, not all books donated are consumable by K-12 students and their teachers, hence the need for sorting.  The remaining books are then donated or sold to other organizations).

We also had a fun competition where volunteers got to show off funny book titles they found in the stash and one volunteer got a prize for the best pick (today’s winner was a girl who found a book titled “Guide to Marriage and/or Sex” by Dave Barry)

Volunteers also get to take home a few books of their choice (from the “throw-away pile”) as a token of appreciation.  I picked up a couple books including and TrumpNation and Dealing With Darwin)

I had great fun at SHS and I highly recommend volunteering there if you are looking to contribute through community-service.

Man and his wife are shopping at the Indian grocery/movie store and idle-chatting with the check-out clerk.  A traditional-looking yet friendly lady rushes into the store and announces “Do you have any good movies?”

Man: There are a lot of new movies on that shelf over there.
Lady: Which movies are good?
Man (unable to withhold his enthusiasm any longer reaches out the shelf): What kinds of movies do you like?
Lady: Not sure.  We haven’t watched a lot of new movies yet.
Wife (hardly attempting to withhold her unbridled laughter): He does not know anything; don’t take his advice.
Man (still relentless in his pursuit to help): Did you watch “Guru“?
Lady: Duh! That movie was released over a year ago!
Wife: We hardly watch 1 or 2 movies in a year and he fast-forwards most of the movies.
Lady: Then I am talking to the wrong person…
At this time, Man picks out a movie and offers to the friendly lady.
Clerk: Sir, that is not a movie…  “It is a cookbook“.
Wife: I rest my case.