{balki Blog}
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Man’s colleague (#1) is furious about how we all have to bend over to accommodate the diverse cultures, interests and sensitivities.  For example, he is p*ssed that we are all encouraged to use “Happy Holidays” (a culture-neutral term) instead of “Merry Christmas”.

Colleague #1: You know, everyone of the 52 students graduating from this one California high school is a valedictorian because they want to treat them all equal and not leave anyone behind.  How stupid is that?#?#$?

Our man did not want to make the situation any worse than it already was so he slowly slipped away from Colleague #1’s office.  But he returns after a couple hours…

Man: Colleague #1, I will need the exact details of that California school including name and address.

Colleague #1: Why?

Man: I need to plan so my (1-year old) son can attend school.  Its his best shot at being a valedictorian.

Colleague #2: I wish you were my dad!  Talk about setting the bar low for your child…

Man and wife get into a gondola scaling up to the top of the Whistler mountain.  A few other Canadians end up in the same gondola for the 25 minute ride.

Canadian #1: Where are you guys from?
Wife: Portland, Oregon
Canadian #2: That’s quite a drive; I had the best coffee in the world when I visited Portland last… I just can’t seem to remember the name of the place.
Man: Starbucks?
Canadian #3: Yeah, and Canadian #2 just realized that there are 36,000 best coffee places in the world along with several 100 in the Vancouver-Whistler area itself.

Man and some of his colleagues are driving to a local restaurant for lunch together.  The conversation inevitably turns to bad service and the consequences.

Colleague #1: I don’t leave any tip when I receive bad service or when the waiter/waitress has an attitude.
Colleague #2: Yes.  I am more generous than that.  I do tip - I leave 2 old pennies on the table.
Man: I also leave 2 pennies; both of them licked on either side.
Colleague #2: Our man has been living in this country for way too long; he should become a citizen just for this!

Man and family go to a religious gathering.  An extremely naughty boy (probably around 5 years old) is wreaking havoc at the community center.  An elderly gentleman starts the following conversation in an attempt to calm down the boy:

Elderly Gentleman (EG): What is your name?
Naughty Boy (NB): XYZ
EG: Where is your home?
NB: So-and-so town
EG: Can I come to your home to play with you?
NB: Sure
EG: So, do you have any toys to play with at your home?
NB: Yes, “FIRE”
EG: I don’t really like to play with fire.
Man (making a mental note to self): Never let Ishaan (man’s son of 4 months) come in contact with this XYZ kid!

Man’s wife is in labor at the hospital.  Man, the doula and the nurse have been helping his wife push the baby out for a couple hours.  As the big moment gets closer, nurse and doula observe that the man is almost ready to collapse from exhaustion, excitement and mere nervousness.  So, they suggest he go to the break room to get some cold juice.  He promptly follows their directions.  On his way back, he hears a big baby scream suddenly.  So, he goes rushing back into the labor room.  Sure enough the baby is out and in the nurse’s hands.

Man: What the h*ck?  Why does this baby have blonde hair???!??

Nurse and the new mom:  Who the h*ll are you and what are you doing in this private room?  Get out of here right this moment!*%!

Man silently walks out of the room and goes back to his own room where the wife is still in labor and still hates him for bestowing this much pain on her.

Man and wife buy several dozen candles for a special occasion and decide to return a couple dozen of them at Fred Meyer.

Store return clerk: Somebody likes candles!
Man & Wife: Yeah…
Store clerk: Is there a reason you are returning these candles?
Man: We just realized last night that we could use electricity for lighting so we don’t need these candles.
Wife: I know.  That is why I disowned him several years ago.  Nothing he says or does embarrasses me anymore.

Man’s 5-year old niece is visiting from out of town.  Our man is chatting with her to catch up on the latest happenings…

Man: What grade are you in now?
Niece: I finished kindergarten and will be going to 1st grade next year.
Man: Are you excited to go to a real school and make friends?
Niece: Not really.
Man: Why is that?
Niece: Because first grade is a lot harder than kindergarten.
Man: @#$!?@?!

Man: Here’s the 40$ that I owe you from last week.
Friend: But you owe me 50$ What happened to the other 10 ??!?? 
Man: If it was meant to be you will get it somehow.

Man’s neighbor and many others in the community are getting ready for the "community garage sale" over the weekend.  Neighbor’s home is closer to the street within the cul-de-sac and so is more visible to the passers-by.

Neighbor: Are you doing the garage sale this year?
Man: No, but do you mind if I keep some of my stuff in your sale?
Neighbor: Sure, no problem.  What do you have?
Man: Oh, nothing much… just one thing.  Let me go get it…

….

….

…

Man: So, just this sign

Neighbor: Sc**w you %$@#!#$

Man and his geek colleagues have nothing better to do.  So, the conversation steered towards the upcoming new version of iPhone and eventually turned to a discussion on the "dream features" in an iPhone.

Geek Colleague #1: I have been waiting for the GPS for a while; I am so happy Steve decided to include that in the new version.  I have to auction off my current iPhone to get the new one.

Geek Colleague #2: I can’t wait to get my hands on the new version to get on the Internet.  The 3G connection is going to rock!

Geek Colleague #3: Voice recognition and breath analyzer (to measure Blood-Alcohol Level) would be great built-in features for the iPhone.

Man: For me, ClearBlue and lie-detector would be the greatest built-in features in the iPhone Nano;  I am willing to spend major $$, if Steve decides to add those.

Geek Colleagues #1, #2, #3: What the heck!?!@?  Why would you want someone to pee on a beautiful iPhone?

Man: Yes, here’s a scenario…. your partner pees on it to test whether she is pregnant.  And you can immediately use the lie-detector feature to test whether its your baby or not.  Can you find a better device to use than an iPhone, which is always on your hip?