- How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
- Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
- How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
- Why do men pass gas more than women do?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.
- All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- I married Miss Right....
I just didn't know what her first name was
- I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
- What do you call a woman who has lost 97.5% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
- Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It is Wedding Cake.
- Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
- Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
- My wife and I are inseparable.
In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
- Why do men die before their wives?
'Coz they want to.
- What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
- A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said "God, I wish I had your will-power."
- Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two Mothers-in-law.
- Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wishes, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a minute and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and then beat me half to death."
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful .
- The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
- Leaving Early
Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know? The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early. The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting a dinner date. The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house. The next day the brunette and redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"
- AGE DRINK - MALE
17 : beer
25 : vodka
35 : scotch
48 : double scotch
66 : cod liver oil
- AGE SEDUCTION LINE - MALE
17 : My parents are away for the weekend.
25 : My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 : My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 : My wife is away for the weekend.
66 : My wife is dead.
- AGE FAVOURITE SPORT - MALE
17 : sex
25 : sex
35 : sex
48 : channel surfing
66 : napping
- AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE - MALE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
- AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY - MALE
17 : a winning goal after the whistle
25 : sex in an aeroplane
35 : menage a trois
48 : taking over the company
66 : Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
- AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? - MALE
17 : 25
25 : 35
35 : 48
48 : 66
66 : 17
- AGE IDEAL DATE - MALE
17 : Triple horror special feature at a drive-in
25 : "Split the cheque before we go back to my place"
35 : "Just come over."
48 : "Just come over and cook."
66 : Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.
- AGE DRINK - FEMALE
17 : Wine Coolers
25 : White wine
35 : Red wine
48 : Dom Perignon
66 : Shot of Jack Daniels with a Napkin chaser
- AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES - FEMALE
17 : Need to wash my hair
25 : Need to wash and condition my hair
35 : Need to color my hair
48 : Need to have Stefan color my hair
66 : Need to have Stefan color my wig
- AGE FAVOURITE SPORT - FEMALE
17 : shopping
25 : shopping
35 : shopping
48 : shopping
66 : shopping
- AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE - FEMALE
17 : "McDonalds"
25 : "Free meal"
35 : "A diamond"
48 : "A bigger diamond"
66 : "Home Alone"
- AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY - FEMALE
17 : tall, dark and handsome
25 : tall, dark and handsome with money
35 : tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 : a man with hair
66 : a man
- AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED - FEMALE
17 : 17
25 : 25
35 : 35
48 : 48
66 : 66
- AGE IDEAL DATE - FEMALE
17 : He offers to pay
25 : He pays
35 : He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 : He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 : He can chew breakfast
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Jokes Classification
Set 2 Jokes
