- A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the park ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing? "Reading my book," she replies as she thinks to herself, 'is this guy blind, or what?' "You're in a no-fishing area," he informs her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and charge you." "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman. "I didn't even touch you," grouses the ranger. "Yes, that's true... but you have all the equipment."
- These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said,"What's that board for?"The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well, take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.""Okay," they said and left. The next year, one of the two guys came into the trader's store and said,"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said, "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah," said the guy."Where is he?" asked the trader."I shot him," said the guy. "Why?" "I caught him in bed with my board."
- Four guys are telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves for a bathroom break. Three guys are left. The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Now, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend a million in stock for his birthday." The fourth guy comes back from the can. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids, so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son hasn't done much career-wise. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. But I guess his personal life is going OK. He's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. And to give you an idea just how much his boyfriends like him, check this out: three of his boyfriends just gave him a new Mercedes, a new house, and a million in stock for his birthday.
- One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself. "Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could fuck, he could fly!"
- A young boy went to his dad and asked, "What is politics?" The father replied, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.Your mother and I are here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now son, think about that and see if that makes sense to you." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what his dad had said. Later during the night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby had severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. Next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." To the father's amazement he says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
- Four guys were on a cross-country road trip together. They were from Idaho, Iowa, New York, and Florida. The car had been enroute for about two hours when the man from Idaho rolled down his window and began tossing potatoes from a bag he had with him out of the car. The guy from Florida said, "What the heck are you doing?" "We have way too many potatoes in Idaho," he replied, "and this is a great way to get rid of some!" After another hour passed, the Iowan rolled down his window, opened his duffel bag, and began tossing out ears of corn. The New Yorker said, "Now what the heck are you doing?" To which the Iowan replied, "Well, We have far too much corn in Iowa, so I figured this would be a great opportunity to get rid of some of it!"
- Hillary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible." "Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him. A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said "Hi, Bill." Why do men pass gas more than women do? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
- A 60 year old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
- The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted." The next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they split your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
- There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."
- President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette's not a friendly nice game." The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'II show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you a blow job," he told Clinton. "Unreal," Clinton said, "But it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette." "Trust me, it is. One of them is a cannibal."
- White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of women's panties on his arm. Somewhat used to the President's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks. The day wore on, and several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on his face but no one dared ask the President's personal business. Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary, walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said, "We've come to expect many unusual things from you, but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of women's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more trouble." "Oh, no," the President grinned. "It's The Patch." I'm trying to quit."
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Jokes Classification
Set 3 Jokes
