- Two men sit drinking in the bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender overhears this, and just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What......are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen!" The 1st Man says: "No, it's true, let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, where he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke." The 1st Man says: "No, it isn't. I'll prove it again!" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it... The 2nd Man says: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, and passes the 11th....... 10th....... 9th...... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splatt'. Back upstairs, the Bartender turns to the other drinker and says: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
- The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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Shortly after I got married, I was invited out for a night "with the boys." I told the wife that I would be home by midnight... I Promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3am, drunk as a skunk, I went home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having the presence of mind-even when smashed-to escape a possible conflict. Next morning the wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! Then she told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she said, "Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said 'shit', cuckooed another 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, farted, then cuckooed twice more and started giggling.
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Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want!" The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale'
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A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. A bank employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5000.and the interest which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us, is why would you bother to borrow $5000?" The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"
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Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said, "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of . . . you know, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." "Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool." says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the maltshop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says"Whaaaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw;she'll Screw all night if we let her!" Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodleskirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out thefront door while dad is saying "Have a good evening kids," with a wink for Bobby. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes backinto the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!"
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ONCE UPON A TIME, A BEAUTIFUL, INDEPENDENT, SELF-ASSURED PRINCESS HAPPENDED UPON A FROG IN A POND. THE FROG SAID TO THE PRINCESS, "I WAS ONCE A HANDSOME PRINCE UNTIL AN EVIL WITCH PUT A SPELL ON ME. ONE KISS FROM YOU AND I WILL TURN BACK INTO A PRINCE AND THEN WE CAN MARRY, MOVE INTO THE CASTLE WITH MY MOM, AND YOU CAN PREPARE MY MEALS, CLEAN MY CLOTHES, BEAR MY CHILDREN, AND FOREVER FEEL HAPPY DOING SO." THAT NIGHT, AS THE PRINCESS DINED ON FROG LEGS IN GARLIC BUTTER, SHE LAUGHED TO HERSELF AND THOUGHT, "I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO."
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There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "Hey, Mr. Davis, there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "...and this gentleman wants to buy the other half". The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called the boy aside and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir". "Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
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A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery." The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?" She says, "I don't care. Just get the fuck out."
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Frank was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Frank decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Frank asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice, you have no ears." Frank got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Frank again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And, he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Frank was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Frank was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuckin' ears!"
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This girl is having dinner with her boyfriend's family. This was her first time eating with them and she was very nervous. Well with all the bean caserole and all the nervousness built up inside of her, she felt some huge gas pains headin her way. Finally, about half way through the meal she couldn't hold it anymore, she let one out. It was just a little one, but everyone heard her little 'poot'. But before the girl could even become embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked down at the dog laying next to her and yelled, "Gretta!" The girl thought, "oh this is awesome." So she now had nothing to worry about. She felt another coming, so without hesitation she let 'er rip. "Dammit Gretta!!" The father again yelled at the dog. A little while later she felt a big one coming her way. Again, with out hesitation she let it fly, this time revealing the sound of a train whistle. She watched the father as he looked at the dog, "Dammit Gretta!! Move your ass before she shits on you!"
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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin." This puzzled the groom since, after twelve marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be."
"My second husband was from Software Services. He was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation."
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he couldn't get the system up."
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'"
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver."
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process, but needed three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it."
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it."
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was........ well...... . . . God, I miss him!"
She finally smiled and turned to him. "So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer! I just know I'm going to get screwed!
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Jokes Classification
Set 4 Jokes
